today was an odd day.
i'm in utah, and got to visit with my friends christian and jamie; a lovely wedded couple.
while i am surrounded by mormons, lyds is examining the aftermath of katrina in new orleans, where she tonight met and had dinner with my friends brian and chris. brian i've known since junior fucking high, which was forever ago, and brian started dating chris in college. lyds phoned me earlier and said she really, really liked them and was glad to finally meet one of my best friends and future best man.
either way, lyds and i hang out with very few coupled people; most of our interminglings with others involve group events or the like. which is great; i like all our friends and enjoy spending time with them.
i did, though, have a moment today where i just knew jamie and lyds--they've never met--would get along famously. our relationships are so similar, jamie & christian and lyds & i, that it just seemed natural. i've never had a thought like that before, and when lyds was telling me about her visit with brian and chris, the same idea seemed present. so though i regret little in life, i had the fleeting feeling that it's unfortunate we all exist so far apart from one another.
i am getting so very old.
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
that no man may touch my balls again
i just had my octannual physical exam, because as i want to make sure i grow old healthily i make sure to get checked over once every eight years. i'd go more often, but eight years is about the amount of time it takes me to forget why i don't like going to the doctor in the first place: the machine irritates me.
you arrive, you wait.
sure, your appointment was at 8:45am, buy why would they want to see you before 9?
you get taken into an examination room, you wait.
sure, you could have been taken in when the doctor was ready for you, but what fun would that be?
you eventually get looked at by a doctor for 5 minutes, get told what you should already know--"you're fine"--and then support a corrupt system by giving your $30 co-pay to them while your insurance foots the final $117 of the bill.
that's $147 for a 5-minute exam, and that was on the low end of physicals; i contacted one place that had the nerve to say they charged $250. but stick with $147--say the doctor can see 10 patients an hour, performing physicals, that = $1,470. in a standard workday, that's $11,760. keep in mind, this is simply one doctor in the building; there are generally several if not more in any practice performing more expensive procedures than physicals. yes, there is overhead in any business, but the amount is still pretty healthy and i'm guessing quite fucking profitable.
at my last physical, in 2000, the doctor said, "well, that mole looks suspicious. has it been growing?"
"nope," i responded.
"well, i'd like to make sure it's not cancerous."
"ok, i'll confirm it's not cancerous: it's not cancerous. there."
but, my word wasn't enough for him, so i had to see him again to have it removed, then had to visit a specialist to have him tell me, "it wasn't cancerous."
no shit? gee, that's what i said, but it took several visits and several hundred dollars charged to my insurance company at the time to confirm this.
(and during no visit did i see a doctor for more than 3 minutes; for the mole removal he walked in, said hi, gave me a numbing shot and left me there for 20 minutes. came back, sliced it off and said to contact the specialist in a week. $275 charged to insurance for that time well spent, thankyouverymuch)
as no one had looked under my hood in a while, the doc this time around donned a rubber glove and asked to see my boys, something i hadn't had checked since 7th grade. back then i (and all kids) needed clearance to attend physical education class. this, of course, was when physical education actually involved skilled movement by children, with dodgeball, kickball or any other activity now banned thanks to the lawsuits by pussy parents "teaching" you agility and aim.
so, my male eggs were gently rolled, with nary a comment made about their silky-smooth nature; i live in iowa, dammit, and i doubt many manly men here take the time to trim or shave down there. either way, apparently men move past the chances of getting testicular cancer between 35-40, so i won't need the silly-putty-dropped-on-carpet exam again. sadly, the next time a doctor dons a rubber glove for me, he'll only need one finger. apparently cancer is like an oliver stone movie; it moves back, and to the left.
*sigh*
at least my blood pressure was 120/70.
.
you arrive, you wait.
sure, your appointment was at 8:45am, buy why would they want to see you before 9?
you get taken into an examination room, you wait.
sure, you could have been taken in when the doctor was ready for you, but what fun would that be?
you eventually get looked at by a doctor for 5 minutes, get told what you should already know--"you're fine"--and then support a corrupt system by giving your $30 co-pay to them while your insurance foots the final $117 of the bill.
that's $147 for a 5-minute exam, and that was on the low end of physicals; i contacted one place that had the nerve to say they charged $250. but stick with $147--say the doctor can see 10 patients an hour, performing physicals, that = $1,470. in a standard workday, that's $11,760. keep in mind, this is simply one doctor in the building; there are generally several if not more in any practice performing more expensive procedures than physicals. yes, there is overhead in any business, but the amount is still pretty healthy and i'm guessing quite fucking profitable.
at my last physical, in 2000, the doctor said, "well, that mole looks suspicious. has it been growing?"
"nope," i responded.
"well, i'd like to make sure it's not cancerous."
"ok, i'll confirm it's not cancerous: it's not cancerous. there."
but, my word wasn't enough for him, so i had to see him again to have it removed, then had to visit a specialist to have him tell me, "it wasn't cancerous."
no shit? gee, that's what i said, but it took several visits and several hundred dollars charged to my insurance company at the time to confirm this.
(and during no visit did i see a doctor for more than 3 minutes; for the mole removal he walked in, said hi, gave me a numbing shot and left me there for 20 minutes. came back, sliced it off and said to contact the specialist in a week. $275 charged to insurance for that time well spent, thankyouverymuch)
as no one had looked under my hood in a while, the doc this time around donned a rubber glove and asked to see my boys, something i hadn't had checked since 7th grade. back then i (and all kids) needed clearance to attend physical education class. this, of course, was when physical education actually involved skilled movement by children, with dodgeball, kickball or any other activity now banned thanks to the lawsuits by pussy parents "teaching" you agility and aim.
so, my male eggs were gently rolled, with nary a comment made about their silky-smooth nature; i live in iowa, dammit, and i doubt many manly men here take the time to trim or shave down there. either way, apparently men move past the chances of getting testicular cancer between 35-40, so i won't need the silly-putty-dropped-on-carpet exam again. sadly, the next time a doctor dons a rubber glove for me, he'll only need one finger. apparently cancer is like an oliver stone movie; it moves back, and to the left.
*sigh*
at least my blood pressure was 120/70.
.
Thursday, March 6, 2008
too much time on my mind while driving: random reflections
---some people define themselves too easily, such as anyone with a bumper sticker on their ford f-150 that says "i have a dream..." next to a picture of the white house flying the confederate flag.
nice.
i'd say "thanks for two terms of george bush, asshole," but i'm pretty sure he did a write-in vote for buchanan using crayons and block lettering.
---you know what's better than walking into a rest stop bathroom to take a leak and getting to listen to two truck drivers discuss the weather through stall doors as they poop?
everything
everything is better than listening to a myriad of grunts and farts intersprinkled with conversation. just ask those at gitmo if they'd rather be waterboarded or deal with dave and earl waxing philosophic while wiping.
hell, you're holding your breath either way.
---there is nothing better than dust to keep you on a diet.
i love it when i wrestle with the idea of eating a candy bar, know i shouldn't, but reach for it only to find a thin layer of dust covering the wrapper.
stale chocolate is disgusting; the flakey texture, the pale, faded look it gets… sometimes that little nudge is all you need to put the fucking thing down and just leave the gas station empty handed.
certain candy bars have near 20 grams of saturated fat in them.
goddamn.
---sometimes an old friendship now faded crosses your mind, and reaction can be varied: melancholy, angry, regretful, contented...
it's generally the ego that contributes to anything wrong in life, so i work as hard as i can to beat the fuck out of mine and make it submissive.
several weeks back, i emailed my ex an apology.
my ego was screaming at me not to, recalling slights and injustices by my perception; "she would call and email you out of the blue to check in, even though you asked her for space to deal with her departure!" "when you asked her if she could just avoid the comedy club for the two nights you were in town, she came down and flaunted her new boyfriend, then gossiped to the other comedian about you!!" "she called and spoke of reconciliation, yet when you went for it, she walked away, AGAIN, leaving you feeling worse and fucking stupid!"
but the louder my ego yelled, the more resolved i became.
i fired off a simple note, only mentioning only my actions, the ones i alone was responsible for.
i may have already felt closure, but her reply was the wry smile and nod of the head that goes with it.
you may not see what's best for you at any given moment in time, but when you realize where you're currently standing and look back to revisit an old situation, relief can overcome you.
"what the fuck was i thinking?" is such a fun question to laugh at yourself over.
thank you, rob gordon.
.
nice.
i'd say "thanks for two terms of george bush, asshole," but i'm pretty sure he did a write-in vote for buchanan using crayons and block lettering.
---you know what's better than walking into a rest stop bathroom to take a leak and getting to listen to two truck drivers discuss the weather through stall doors as they poop?
everything
everything is better than listening to a myriad of grunts and farts intersprinkled with conversation. just ask those at gitmo if they'd rather be waterboarded or deal with dave and earl waxing philosophic while wiping.
hell, you're holding your breath either way.
---there is nothing better than dust to keep you on a diet.
i love it when i wrestle with the idea of eating a candy bar, know i shouldn't, but reach for it only to find a thin layer of dust covering the wrapper.
stale chocolate is disgusting; the flakey texture, the pale, faded look it gets… sometimes that little nudge is all you need to put the fucking thing down and just leave the gas station empty handed.
certain candy bars have near 20 grams of saturated fat in them.
goddamn.
---sometimes an old friendship now faded crosses your mind, and reaction can be varied: melancholy, angry, regretful, contented...
it's generally the ego that contributes to anything wrong in life, so i work as hard as i can to beat the fuck out of mine and make it submissive.
several weeks back, i emailed my ex an apology.
my ego was screaming at me not to, recalling slights and injustices by my perception; "she would call and email you out of the blue to check in, even though you asked her for space to deal with her departure!" "when you asked her if she could just avoid the comedy club for the two nights you were in town, she came down and flaunted her new boyfriend, then gossiped to the other comedian about you!!" "she called and spoke of reconciliation, yet when you went for it, she walked away, AGAIN, leaving you feeling worse and fucking stupid!"
but the louder my ego yelled, the more resolved i became.
i fired off a simple note, only mentioning only my actions, the ones i alone was responsible for.
i may have already felt closure, but her reply was the wry smile and nod of the head that goes with it.
you may not see what's best for you at any given moment in time, but when you realize where you're currently standing and look back to revisit an old situation, relief can overcome you.
"what the fuck was i thinking?" is such a fun question to laugh at yourself over.
thank you, rob gordon.
.
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
old moments that make you smile
i got to perform at a college recently, and damn if it didn't bring back some memories. college was a liberation from the small-town high school i went to, and i embraced the energy of my return to the concrete landscape of a big city, combined with the forward/progressive thinking, and an ideology built on learning youth usually has.
first thing i did at the show that reminded me of my academic life was: when the other comic stepped into a public bathroom to rid himself of some digested waste, i waited about 40 seconds, then opened the door, turned off the lights, heard a "um... hey, someone's in here..." and giggled and closed the door.
it used to be my favorite thing in the world to do, back in the days before locked switches and emergency lighting. the best place to pull an asinine move like that was mc donalds. there's rarely a window in a fast food bathroom, so when i'd walk in and see two feet under the stall door tapping along to elevator music, i'd flick the switch and leave. hell, my bladder could wait the few minutes, and munching on french fries dipped in a hot fudge sundae was a great way to pass the time while waiting for an aggravated face to exit the bathroom. keep in mind, this was in the days before cell phones, which now would be able to provide limited illumination to someone trapped in such a predicament.
my favorite memory from college has to involve my upstairs neighbors, though. i lived in a 3-bedroom apartment on e. park place, on milwaukee's east side, and the idiots upstairs were constantly throwing long, loud, overnight parties. though an understandable event on a saturday night until, say, midnight or maybe one a.m., their sleep-busters would still be raving at 4 or 5 in the morning on occasion. my roommates and i attended one shindig, but this wasn't the breakfast club and we weren't being forced to interact with those outside our social circle. the party people were the downside to college, those who use it as an excuse to get an interesting combination of stoned and drunk while listening to alternative music made only as an excuse to be haughty (i.e. "if you don't like it, you just don't get it, duuuuude.") while pondering whether or not your hand is a part of you, or you are a part of your hand.
so, as i found these all night parties especially annoying on the nights when i had class or work the next day, i got into the habit of stealing their fuses to end them. we lived in an old, old building with old, screw-in fuses housed inside a fire-hazard of a fuse box in an enormous and dusty, dilapidated basement, and one morning around 3am, the party in full swing and with me irritated beyond words, i snapped. i went down to the basement--a room that given its size had multiple entrances and exits; i could be in and out without being seen easily--and walked up to the fuse box.
like a cat burglar about to pick a safe, i rubbed my fingers gingerly, then as quickly as i could, unscrewed all four fuses and darted. i started giggling as soon as i heard the music silence--of course i could hear it in the basement; their apartment was only on the 2nd floor and they needed to play it loud enough to have to shout at one another when inches apart--and i knew they probably thought they had blown a fuse. keep in mind, these guys were not brain trusts, and the first time it happened, didn't have any spares on hand. they got to live from 3am to 10 am without power, when the hardware store opened.
(screw in fuses aren't sold at your local 24-hour 711)
thus began the pattern: every so often, probably five to seven times in all, they would push a party past the point of kindness to the public around them, so i would away to the basement and steal their power.
i think once, because they really pissed me off, i stole their fuses, waited for them to be replaced--after the first couple times, they started keeping spares handy--then waited for the party to die and then re-stole them when all was quiet. my hope was that someone in the apartment would over-sleep and miss an important test and/or get fired from a job or the like.
you know, i always expected them to set a trap for me, but it never happened. maybe because as upset as they were at having no power in their apartment, they always had an excuse to eat the ice cream in the fridge, and nothing ends depression like ice cream, right ladies?*
college, as the saying goes, while the best of times, was also the worst of times. i had no clue what i wanted to do with my life, so i puttered along taking courses that interested me, not those that set me on course for a profitable future. i ended up an english major, and had to take several writing courses to graduate. i only remember two of them, but they were bookends when it came to learning experiences.
the second memory is of a high end, four our five hundred level course, and therefore a lot of fun and taught by an experienced professor. the first recall, however is of "an intro to writing" or "writing 101" type of bullshittery. it was taught by a mousy teachers aide who lived up to every stereotype of someone with limited knowledge, but great ego, meaning she probably went to bars at night and regurgitated gordon wood to impress the locals. it would be easy to assume i irritated her as much as she irritated me.
one story i turned in received much in the way of discussion. i'll go on record and say that even though i don't have a copy of it anymore, i'll bet you dollars to donuts it wasn't very good. it probably contained college arrogance, where because you're young and cocky you think your shit doesn’t stink even though it's horrendously funky, and it was no doubt as poorly written as anything a teenager does, but that's not the point. the point is, then, that it was wonderfully violent.
i remember the basic storyline of the tale, which involved a setting from my own life, that of a bartender working in a warehouse district who would close up late at night and be all alone in a very bleak part of town. the restaurant had a huge, walk-in safe, a leftover from the 1920's, and every night the closing bartender would put all the cash into it and spin the dial; every morning the manager/owner would open the safe and head to the bank.
that was the reality, the rest was both fiction and a minor fear i had working there. in the story, one night a man who has been casing the place for a few weeks steps forth to rob the till. sadly, his timing is off, and he has come after the bartender has locked the money in the safe, a place entirely out of reach. this set the would-be robber off, who then went apeshit on the bartender, beating him to a bloody pulp and achieving an erection in the process. as he stands over the dead body, aroused and licking blood off his lips and eyeing/admiring the pollack like splatters, he hears sirens--the bartender was able to trip the silent alarm--and steals away into the night, getting away scott-free.
why did i write it? as said, youthful idiocy. "i'm gonna write a violent story where the guy gets turned on! that'll shock everyone." were i a massive egotist, i'd proclaim i had written a reservoir dogs ear scene before it was cool, but again, my story was most likely crap. but that's not what the teacher had a problem with; the problem, as i was told, was that i didn't "justify" the villain's behavior.
i apparently needed a back-story to explain why he was a criminal, why he was violent, why he became erect when violent: "did uncle dirty-finger touch him?" "was his dad abusive?" "was he an orphan..." all questions i couldn't give a fuck less about. i argued point that the beauty was in NOT knowing any of these things, that random violence was much more frightening than explained. sadly, i wasn't clever enough to argue either hannibal lecter or michael meyers at the time, and received a less than stellar grade.
it's my own fault for not being able to debate a little better, but damn if the other day i wasn't reading about how the re-made "halloween" and crappy "hannibal rising" were just absolute wastes of celluloid for the very reason that would have made my writing teacher happy: the fear of lecter and meyers was in not knowing what made them tick. we first met meyers as a young child, butchering his older sister. there is a vacant stare on his face, and donald pleasance describes him simply as "evil." there is no explaining him, which means there is nothing to precaution; evil can exist anywhere, and that's what's scary. when it comes to lecter, he actively and openly enjoyed his carnage; not knowing why was all the more frightening in "silence of the lambs." sadly, the remake of "halloween" added childhood sexual abuse or some such nonsense, and "hannibal rising" gave us a revenge theme. suddenly our monsters were just fucked up individuals, and when you understand something, it's harder to fear it.
i take nothing sitting down, so i challenged my grade with the aide's superiors and eventually got it changed. while i may have argued my case slightly better with whatever review board i petitioned, i'm sure my grade was raised simply to make me go away. either way, i loved fighting the machine, because that's what college represented in my eyes: a time and place in life to test the standard way of thought, and have a fuck-ton of fun in the process.
*sigh*
nostalgia.
*side note, what's amazingly fucked up about technology today is: if you go to google maps and enter "2513 e. park place, milwaukee wi," you can spin the street view picture to point southeast and can see the apartment building where this all took place. my unit was on the first floor, directly to the east of the apartment with the white, plastic chair on the porch. mind-boggling.
first thing i did at the show that reminded me of my academic life was: when the other comic stepped into a public bathroom to rid himself of some digested waste, i waited about 40 seconds, then opened the door, turned off the lights, heard a "um... hey, someone's in here..." and giggled and closed the door.
it used to be my favorite thing in the world to do, back in the days before locked switches and emergency lighting. the best place to pull an asinine move like that was mc donalds. there's rarely a window in a fast food bathroom, so when i'd walk in and see two feet under the stall door tapping along to elevator music, i'd flick the switch and leave. hell, my bladder could wait the few minutes, and munching on french fries dipped in a hot fudge sundae was a great way to pass the time while waiting for an aggravated face to exit the bathroom. keep in mind, this was in the days before cell phones, which now would be able to provide limited illumination to someone trapped in such a predicament.
my favorite memory from college has to involve my upstairs neighbors, though. i lived in a 3-bedroom apartment on e. park place, on milwaukee's east side, and the idiots upstairs were constantly throwing long, loud, overnight parties. though an understandable event on a saturday night until, say, midnight or maybe one a.m., their sleep-busters would still be raving at 4 or 5 in the morning on occasion. my roommates and i attended one shindig, but this wasn't the breakfast club and we weren't being forced to interact with those outside our social circle. the party people were the downside to college, those who use it as an excuse to get an interesting combination of stoned and drunk while listening to alternative music made only as an excuse to be haughty (i.e. "if you don't like it, you just don't get it, duuuuude.") while pondering whether or not your hand is a part of you, or you are a part of your hand.
so, as i found these all night parties especially annoying on the nights when i had class or work the next day, i got into the habit of stealing their fuses to end them. we lived in an old, old building with old, screw-in fuses housed inside a fire-hazard of a fuse box in an enormous and dusty, dilapidated basement, and one morning around 3am, the party in full swing and with me irritated beyond words, i snapped. i went down to the basement--a room that given its size had multiple entrances and exits; i could be in and out without being seen easily--and walked up to the fuse box.
like a cat burglar about to pick a safe, i rubbed my fingers gingerly, then as quickly as i could, unscrewed all four fuses and darted. i started giggling as soon as i heard the music silence--of course i could hear it in the basement; their apartment was only on the 2nd floor and they needed to play it loud enough to have to shout at one another when inches apart--and i knew they probably thought they had blown a fuse. keep in mind, these guys were not brain trusts, and the first time it happened, didn't have any spares on hand. they got to live from 3am to 10 am without power, when the hardware store opened.
(screw in fuses aren't sold at your local 24-hour 711)
thus began the pattern: every so often, probably five to seven times in all, they would push a party past the point of kindness to the public around them, so i would away to the basement and steal their power.
i think once, because they really pissed me off, i stole their fuses, waited for them to be replaced--after the first couple times, they started keeping spares handy--then waited for the party to die and then re-stole them when all was quiet. my hope was that someone in the apartment would over-sleep and miss an important test and/or get fired from a job or the like.
you know, i always expected them to set a trap for me, but it never happened. maybe because as upset as they were at having no power in their apartment, they always had an excuse to eat the ice cream in the fridge, and nothing ends depression like ice cream, right ladies?*
college, as the saying goes, while the best of times, was also the worst of times. i had no clue what i wanted to do with my life, so i puttered along taking courses that interested me, not those that set me on course for a profitable future. i ended up an english major, and had to take several writing courses to graduate. i only remember two of them, but they were bookends when it came to learning experiences.
the second memory is of a high end, four our five hundred level course, and therefore a lot of fun and taught by an experienced professor. the first recall, however is of "an intro to writing" or "writing 101" type of bullshittery. it was taught by a mousy teachers aide who lived up to every stereotype of someone with limited knowledge, but great ego, meaning she probably went to bars at night and regurgitated gordon wood to impress the locals. it would be easy to assume i irritated her as much as she irritated me.
one story i turned in received much in the way of discussion. i'll go on record and say that even though i don't have a copy of it anymore, i'll bet you dollars to donuts it wasn't very good. it probably contained college arrogance, where because you're young and cocky you think your shit doesn’t stink even though it's horrendously funky, and it was no doubt as poorly written as anything a teenager does, but that's not the point. the point is, then, that it was wonderfully violent.
i remember the basic storyline of the tale, which involved a setting from my own life, that of a bartender working in a warehouse district who would close up late at night and be all alone in a very bleak part of town. the restaurant had a huge, walk-in safe, a leftover from the 1920's, and every night the closing bartender would put all the cash into it and spin the dial; every morning the manager/owner would open the safe and head to the bank.
that was the reality, the rest was both fiction and a minor fear i had working there. in the story, one night a man who has been casing the place for a few weeks steps forth to rob the till. sadly, his timing is off, and he has come after the bartender has locked the money in the safe, a place entirely out of reach. this set the would-be robber off, who then went apeshit on the bartender, beating him to a bloody pulp and achieving an erection in the process. as he stands over the dead body, aroused and licking blood off his lips and eyeing/admiring the pollack like splatters, he hears sirens--the bartender was able to trip the silent alarm--and steals away into the night, getting away scott-free.
why did i write it? as said, youthful idiocy. "i'm gonna write a violent story where the guy gets turned on! that'll shock everyone." were i a massive egotist, i'd proclaim i had written a reservoir dogs ear scene before it was cool, but again, my story was most likely crap. but that's not what the teacher had a problem with; the problem, as i was told, was that i didn't "justify" the villain's behavior.
i apparently needed a back-story to explain why he was a criminal, why he was violent, why he became erect when violent: "did uncle dirty-finger touch him?" "was his dad abusive?" "was he an orphan..." all questions i couldn't give a fuck less about. i argued point that the beauty was in NOT knowing any of these things, that random violence was much more frightening than explained. sadly, i wasn't clever enough to argue either hannibal lecter or michael meyers at the time, and received a less than stellar grade.
it's my own fault for not being able to debate a little better, but damn if the other day i wasn't reading about how the re-made "halloween" and crappy "hannibal rising" were just absolute wastes of celluloid for the very reason that would have made my writing teacher happy: the fear of lecter and meyers was in not knowing what made them tick. we first met meyers as a young child, butchering his older sister. there is a vacant stare on his face, and donald pleasance describes him simply as "evil." there is no explaining him, which means there is nothing to precaution; evil can exist anywhere, and that's what's scary. when it comes to lecter, he actively and openly enjoyed his carnage; not knowing why was all the more frightening in "silence of the lambs." sadly, the remake of "halloween" added childhood sexual abuse or some such nonsense, and "hannibal rising" gave us a revenge theme. suddenly our monsters were just fucked up individuals, and when you understand something, it's harder to fear it.
i take nothing sitting down, so i challenged my grade with the aide's superiors and eventually got it changed. while i may have argued my case slightly better with whatever review board i petitioned, i'm sure my grade was raised simply to make me go away. either way, i loved fighting the machine, because that's what college represented in my eyes: a time and place in life to test the standard way of thought, and have a fuck-ton of fun in the process.
*sigh*
nostalgia.
*side note, what's amazingly fucked up about technology today is: if you go to google maps and enter "2513 e. park place, milwaukee wi," you can spin the street view picture to point southeast and can see the apartment building where this all took place. my unit was on the first floor, directly to the east of the apartment with the white, plastic chair on the porch. mind-boggling.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
a little death'll do ya
chances are, i drive more than you do.
in may of 2007 i bought a toyota yaris with 86 test miles on it. as of today it had 24,000 miles. part of me wants to mount a video camera on my dashboard, that you may see what i see (pa-rump-pa-pum-pum).
one of my first blogs was about an accident that occurred right in front of me; thieves stealing a car in downtown los angeles ran a red light around 3am and plowed into the car ahead of me, completely incapacitating it, but fortunately sparing the driver any injury.
last summer, i was a hundred or so yards behind a pickup truck hauling a collapsible camper, which i saw bounce. i took my foot off the gas and began coasting to expand the distance between us as the camper jumped several times and finally hopped off its housing, flying free. sadly, the car that had begun to pass it was not watching, and as the camper slid free it tagged the car's rear quarter-panel, spinning it and actually shooting it sideways across the highway and into the ditch. i ran to the car while phoning the highway patrol to find a woman sitting next to a shattered driver's side window, dazed, but unharmed.
this winter has been irritating as all fuck; mother nature has chosen every travel day i have to whip something up into a fury. on days i don’t need to get anywhere, the sun comes out, skies are blue and all is well in the world. but the instant i need to drive, the winter storm warnings arrive and travel advisories arise aplenty.
twice already this year, lyds has saved my car, as well as my bank account. the first time, iowa was getting slammed by over a foot of snow and all state highways were marked red on the road conditions map, as in "travel not advised." sadly, booking agents are a fickle bunch of fucks; if you cancel a gig for any reason, you're blacklisted instantaneously. so, as i had to go southeast, and the most direct route was due east, then south, i readied myself for the inevitable hell-drive.
lyds, thankfully, is whip-smart. she jumped on her computer, opened three windows and started comparing highway notifications, weather patterns and google maps in three states. she determined that were i to head due south, then cut east--though that route would add 40 miles to my trip--i'd leave the blizzard much, much sooner and end up on clear pavement quickly.
i was only able to go about 25mph on the highway, following tracks as best i could in white out conditions, but damn if lydia wasn't right: by the time i got to the missouri border, the skies cleared, and i was cruising along at a decent pace.
when i returned home two days later, i took the more direct route, the one lyds had determined to be impassible upon my departure. in the fifty-odd miles between iowa city and bettendorf, i passed no less than 50 vehicles strewn along the sides of the highway in various degrees of disarray and damage. there is an odd beauty in the aftermath of violence; you begin to wonder what the story is behind the conclusion you're seeing. an upside down 18-wheeler, its cab flipped back upon its load leaves you imagining how the event unfolded. four tires poking through snow hinting at an upside down car buried beneath has you hoping everyone crawled out safely. sadly, when metal meets man, man will usually lose. driving home from my shows, i was beyond happy i had not taken the shortest path when leaving; there was too much carnage for me to have escaped unharmed.
the second time lyds offered up protective care was sunday, three days ago as of my writing this. on that day, the day of our lord, she told me that yet another winter storm warning had been issued for our lovely midwestern state, and it was to start monday, the day i was supposed to be heading home from minneapolis. fuck you very much, mama nature.
hoping to stay ahead of the weather, i got up at 6am monday morn and started along my merry way. just across the iowa border, i pulled off to piddle at a rest stop, then got back in the car and called lyds to ask what the internet was saying about the storm and roads; i had been driving in rain, but it had just turned to sleet.
as we spoke, i felt the sleet turning to ice, and began to slow down; the truck-driver ahead of me should have done the same.
i didn't mean to scare lyds, but i began to giggle, then shout--"holy shit! holy shit!"--then howl with excited laughter. naturally, she thought something was wrong, or that i was getting into an accident, but that was far from the truth.
what happened was this: the 18-wheeler slammed on his brakes, and his trailer began to sway, then fish-tailed something fierce. after a few seconds of swinging back and forth across two lanes of highway, the rig ditched into the median, its back end whipping a sharp 180-degree jack-knife swath across the pavement before coming to a collapsed rest in the snow.
it was incredible, and as i slowly shuffled forward i saw what had caused the truck driver to lock 'em up: partially blocking the right hand lane was a highway patrol car, just arrived in response to an accident. a good nine cars were scattered in the ditch, and most of those had the drivers still sitting in them, confused.
the highway patrol was parked as he was in order to shield a car in front of his, one resting delicately across the shoulder and part of the highway and demolished hood to trunk on the driver's side. there are some moments when you see a situation and regardless of back-story, you know what the epilogue will be. staring at the crescent moon of a car, the entire driver's side concaved by the blunt force of direct impact and the driver's side door pushed in so far it was pressed against the passenger seat, "no one is walking away from that" is the sobering thought that crossed my mind.
sadly, no one did.
in her nightly internet news round up, lyds came across the story of a deadly auto accident on I-35 south, one that occurred shortly after 8am that morning.
sometimes i wish i could edit my own eyesight for content.
in may of 2007 i bought a toyota yaris with 86 test miles on it. as of today it had 24,000 miles. part of me wants to mount a video camera on my dashboard, that you may see what i see (pa-rump-pa-pum-pum).
one of my first blogs was about an accident that occurred right in front of me; thieves stealing a car in downtown los angeles ran a red light around 3am and plowed into the car ahead of me, completely incapacitating it, but fortunately sparing the driver any injury.
last summer, i was a hundred or so yards behind a pickup truck hauling a collapsible camper, which i saw bounce. i took my foot off the gas and began coasting to expand the distance between us as the camper jumped several times and finally hopped off its housing, flying free. sadly, the car that had begun to pass it was not watching, and as the camper slid free it tagged the car's rear quarter-panel, spinning it and actually shooting it sideways across the highway and into the ditch. i ran to the car while phoning the highway patrol to find a woman sitting next to a shattered driver's side window, dazed, but unharmed.
this winter has been irritating as all fuck; mother nature has chosen every travel day i have to whip something up into a fury. on days i don’t need to get anywhere, the sun comes out, skies are blue and all is well in the world. but the instant i need to drive, the winter storm warnings arrive and travel advisories arise aplenty.
twice already this year, lyds has saved my car, as well as my bank account. the first time, iowa was getting slammed by over a foot of snow and all state highways were marked red on the road conditions map, as in "travel not advised." sadly, booking agents are a fickle bunch of fucks; if you cancel a gig for any reason, you're blacklisted instantaneously. so, as i had to go southeast, and the most direct route was due east, then south, i readied myself for the inevitable hell-drive.
lyds, thankfully, is whip-smart. she jumped on her computer, opened three windows and started comparing highway notifications, weather patterns and google maps in three states. she determined that were i to head due south, then cut east--though that route would add 40 miles to my trip--i'd leave the blizzard much, much sooner and end up on clear pavement quickly.
i was only able to go about 25mph on the highway, following tracks as best i could in white out conditions, but damn if lydia wasn't right: by the time i got to the missouri border, the skies cleared, and i was cruising along at a decent pace.
when i returned home two days later, i took the more direct route, the one lyds had determined to be impassible upon my departure. in the fifty-odd miles between iowa city and bettendorf, i passed no less than 50 vehicles strewn along the sides of the highway in various degrees of disarray and damage. there is an odd beauty in the aftermath of violence; you begin to wonder what the story is behind the conclusion you're seeing. an upside down 18-wheeler, its cab flipped back upon its load leaves you imagining how the event unfolded. four tires poking through snow hinting at an upside down car buried beneath has you hoping everyone crawled out safely. sadly, when metal meets man, man will usually lose. driving home from my shows, i was beyond happy i had not taken the shortest path when leaving; there was too much carnage for me to have escaped unharmed.
the second time lyds offered up protective care was sunday, three days ago as of my writing this. on that day, the day of our lord, she told me that yet another winter storm warning had been issued for our lovely midwestern state, and it was to start monday, the day i was supposed to be heading home from minneapolis. fuck you very much, mama nature.
hoping to stay ahead of the weather, i got up at 6am monday morn and started along my merry way. just across the iowa border, i pulled off to piddle at a rest stop, then got back in the car and called lyds to ask what the internet was saying about the storm and roads; i had been driving in rain, but it had just turned to sleet.
as we spoke, i felt the sleet turning to ice, and began to slow down; the truck-driver ahead of me should have done the same.
i didn't mean to scare lyds, but i began to giggle, then shout--"holy shit! holy shit!"--then howl with excited laughter. naturally, she thought something was wrong, or that i was getting into an accident, but that was far from the truth.
what happened was this: the 18-wheeler slammed on his brakes, and his trailer began to sway, then fish-tailed something fierce. after a few seconds of swinging back and forth across two lanes of highway, the rig ditched into the median, its back end whipping a sharp 180-degree jack-knife swath across the pavement before coming to a collapsed rest in the snow.
it was incredible, and as i slowly shuffled forward i saw what had caused the truck driver to lock 'em up: partially blocking the right hand lane was a highway patrol car, just arrived in response to an accident. a good nine cars were scattered in the ditch, and most of those had the drivers still sitting in them, confused.
the highway patrol was parked as he was in order to shield a car in front of his, one resting delicately across the shoulder and part of the highway and demolished hood to trunk on the driver's side. there are some moments when you see a situation and regardless of back-story, you know what the epilogue will be. staring at the crescent moon of a car, the entire driver's side concaved by the blunt force of direct impact and the driver's side door pushed in so far it was pressed against the passenger seat, "no one is walking away from that" is the sobering thought that crossed my mind.
sadly, no one did.
in her nightly internet news round up, lyds came across the story of a deadly auto accident on I-35 south, one that occurred shortly after 8am that morning.
sometimes i wish i could edit my own eyesight for content.
Saturday, February 23, 2008
did hitler have nightmares?
what most people don't realize about polonius, is that he was an evil, selfish bastard.
though best known for the phrase, "to thy own self be true," he is not a champion of ethics. the famous words create a contextualized quote; when you read it alone, it appears to stand for high mindedness. the fact of the matter is he was actually offering up the advice to be utterly selfish in matters that concern anyone but yourself. the path of self-preservation is the one he walks, and the phrase "give thy thoughts no tongue" is important, because it exposes someone who understands it is easier to remain witness to the burdens others shoulder than to intervene and attempt help.
at breakfast, i overheard an exchange regarding actions and responsibilities as human beings: the axiom "as long as i can sleep at night, i've made the right decision" was followed by the agreement "it's all about personal conscience," and though i was not party to the dialogue, as i listened from the sidelines i tilted my head like the confused dog i am and went, *mwar?*
thing is, sleep is a physiological need, not a litmus test for right and wrong. consider customs officer dave kujan: "let's say you arrest three guys for the same killing. put them all in jail overnight. the next morning, whoever is sleeping is your man. if you're guilty you know you're caught, you get some rest." so in the criminal world, the guilty rest well, while the innocent fret and wonder what's happening.
maybe my mind has a knee-jerk reaction to it, but the conversation inspired in me memory of the first mafia movie i saw as a child. even before knowing what hypocrisy was, i was confused by these creatures who could speak of honor, love and family, all the while murdering their enemies and living a life of thieving and dishonorable character.
i'm not going to argue against personal conscious, but i don't always understand it. there are both extreme cases--such as the members of n.a.m.b.l.a., men so brazen about their unfounded belief in touching young boys they formed a group demanding the entitlement to do so--and the not so extreme, little things ordinary people do--like the infidelity of a spouse who tells a wedded partner "i love you," all the while courting others on the side--that make me wonder about the human mind and the things it can justify as "right." that someone can sleep at night after unsavory actions does not mean they've found an enlightenment everyone should subscribe to, just that they may not dig very deep when wrestling within.
the most difficult path to walk isn't one that allows me to decide if i'm doing right simply in my eyes, but one intermingled by softened ego and strengthened soul. if i can stumble my way down that…
…well then, wouldn't that be something?
though best known for the phrase, "to thy own self be true," he is not a champion of ethics. the famous words create a contextualized quote; when you read it alone, it appears to stand for high mindedness. the fact of the matter is he was actually offering up the advice to be utterly selfish in matters that concern anyone but yourself. the path of self-preservation is the one he walks, and the phrase "give thy thoughts no tongue" is important, because it exposes someone who understands it is easier to remain witness to the burdens others shoulder than to intervene and attempt help.
at breakfast, i overheard an exchange regarding actions and responsibilities as human beings: the axiom "as long as i can sleep at night, i've made the right decision" was followed by the agreement "it's all about personal conscience," and though i was not party to the dialogue, as i listened from the sidelines i tilted my head like the confused dog i am and went, *mwar?*
thing is, sleep is a physiological need, not a litmus test for right and wrong. consider customs officer dave kujan: "let's say you arrest three guys for the same killing. put them all in jail overnight. the next morning, whoever is sleeping is your man. if you're guilty you know you're caught, you get some rest." so in the criminal world, the guilty rest well, while the innocent fret and wonder what's happening.
maybe my mind has a knee-jerk reaction to it, but the conversation inspired in me memory of the first mafia movie i saw as a child. even before knowing what hypocrisy was, i was confused by these creatures who could speak of honor, love and family, all the while murdering their enemies and living a life of thieving and dishonorable character.
i'm not going to argue against personal conscious, but i don't always understand it. there are both extreme cases--such as the members of n.a.m.b.l.a., men so brazen about their unfounded belief in touching young boys they formed a group demanding the entitlement to do so--and the not so extreme, little things ordinary people do--like the infidelity of a spouse who tells a wedded partner "i love you," all the while courting others on the side--that make me wonder about the human mind and the things it can justify as "right." that someone can sleep at night after unsavory actions does not mean they've found an enlightenment everyone should subscribe to, just that they may not dig very deep when wrestling within.
the most difficult path to walk isn't one that allows me to decide if i'm doing right simply in my eyes, but one intermingled by softened ego and strengthened soul. if i can stumble my way down that…
…well then, wouldn't that be something?
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
"Go Ahead, Bang On It."
There are days when I miss vinyl records.
The CD revolution occurred in the mid 1980's; in 1985 "Brother In Arms," by the band Dire Straits, was one of the first pushed in a CD heavy format, leaving the cassette and 33-rpm record to waste away with the 8-Trak. Though CD's are easier to care for, lighter and smaller, and though digital recording creates endless sonic opportunities, there is a warmth to the record that has yet to be replicated. For the life of me, I cannot listen to Pink Floyd's The Wall on CD; the hisses and pops that accompany my turntable copy of the song "Mother" add as much to the listening experience as does an understanding of the lyrics and overall theme of the album.
The first record I bought was "Double Platinum," by KISS. I already owned several KISS albums, but Double Platinum was the first one I actually purchased myself.
I lived in Milwaukee, on Sherman Avenue, with my father. I didn't know why then, and the story varies even to this day on how I ended up there without my mother or sister, but it was the two of us and I was an original latchkey kid. Every morning I would wake and eat a little breakfast while watching Fury and The Little Rascals, then hike my mile to school; every evening I would walk home, let myself in and either watch Voltron or other Japanamation--UHF channels 18 and 24 saved my life from boredom back then. Occasionally I would spend time with the family that lived upstairs, the Koneznies (spelled phonetically, because there ain't no way I'm getting that correct from memory).
Dad and I lived across the street from Sherman Park, 3rd house from the corner of Burleigh Avenue, and the park provided a nice path both to and from school; instead of walking past houses to the corner of a block, I shortcutted it across the open space twice daily. Shrubbery surrounded it back then, but it's gone now. Around the time we left Milwaukee a few years later, the rise in crime created the need for a clean line of sight as robbers and rapists and junkies (oh my!) began hanging out in the hidden areas. Those hidden areas, then, were thusly removed.
But, while I lived there, the bushes existed and they were to me a Godsend on several levels. Though my morning walk to school was an easy one, the trip home was trying. At school, one day when I should have been in 3rd grade but instead was attending a progressive 4th/5th grade mix, I went to the bathroom to relieve my bowels.
I'm not sure anyone likes dropping a deuce in a public place, but I had to had to had to go, so I cautiously entered into the stall, lowered my pants and sat down, embarrassed to be doing something so awful in public. While sitting there, I heard the door open and the footsteps of an entering arrival, which then paused. While I'm no Charles Xavier, there are moments when we are all psychic, and I knew that whoever walked in had seen my little legs dangling below the door and frozen in response. I froze, too, tightening my small sphincter in fear. "He knows I'm in here" raced through my mind, and I felt shamed.
The footsteps started sounding again, only this time more slowly; cautiously, if you will. They were now shuffling, and in no way headed over to the urinals. Perhaps he was looking to use a toilet himself? Indeed they did enter into the stall next to me, but I heard no belt buckle unfasten or zipper lower. What I did hear was a scuffling against the stall wall next to me.
A panic infused me, and I fixed a cold, dead stare on the door ahead of me.
There is a feeling one gets when they know they are being observed; a sixth sense of ours that springs into action when needed. Personal reactions differ, whether it be raised gooseflesh of the skin or a tension tightening muscles, but at that moment, I knew someone was staring at me.
Slowly, I raised my eyes and looked directly up.
Leaning over the wall, staring down at me was a little black head shaped oblongly, not unlike a football. A Stewie Griffith head, if you will, only the oddity of the shape was nose to crown, not ear to ear. Though I now know he was just a kid being a kid, playing "So… what's going on in here?" at the time it traumatized the hell out of me.
I became Paul Finch, a boy only able to use the urinal in a men's room, but nothing else save the for the sink. Back then, it created the problem of what to do mid-day when my young little bowels wanted to release the combination of my breakfast and lunch. I could make it most of the afternoon, but every single day, or close to it, I would hold what I could as long as I could, then on my walk home after school, would have to shit. So every single day, or close to it, I would stop in the shrubbery of Sherman Park and relieve myself. I learned to bring napkins with me, that I not walk home squishy.
Of course it was more than odd, a boy who could not crap in public if enclosed by a locked stall able to do so hidden away in bushes in the wide-open air of the city, but nine-year-olds do what feels right to them. (Sometimes we carry this through to adulthood, which has both its advantages and disadvantages--it's all in the difference of maturity: are you childlike, or childish? One is fun, the other petty.) Regardless, one day, tucked away in those very bushes, I saw a little red change purse. The sparkle of a stale sequin is what caught my eye, so I picked it up, looked inside and found a delight: $50.
An honest child, on a weekend visit, I informed my mom of the find and she reported it to the police. Milwaukee's Finest asked us to bring it in, that they may return it to its rightful owner, but my mom was more savvy than to fall for that old ruse; the rightful owner of a small change purse with no identification inside, turned over to the MPD, would most likely become an afternoon treat of beer and pizza. Mom instead gave her phone number, that anyone who might report the item missing be directed our way to claim their two lost twenties and one lost ten.
Time passed, my mom and sister eventually re-joined the family and we all moved into a house on North 41st street where, after several months of waiting, I was told the purse and all it's belongings, were mine.
I knew exactly what I wanted to buy: a record.
I didn't know which one; I already had a fine little collection building. I owned The Star Wars Soundtrack, where both the opening track and "Cantina Band" had been played to death ("Cantina Band" being my subconscious connection to my father and his Big Band Jazz recordings from mid-century--Woody Herman, Glenn Miller, and the like. And oddly enough, those two men now serve as a mini-arc for my own life, as Woody Herman was a Milwaukee native and Glenn Miller a son of Iowa), "Class Clown" by George Carlin, where I dutifully memorized "Seven Words You Can Never Say On Television," that I may impress my classmates, and The Wizard Of Oz Soundtrack, which is fine for a nine-year-old boy, but were I to have it today… *types firm wristedly*
The thing I loved about The Wizard Of Oz Soundtrack was the skip. The album had bits of dialogue before each song--snippets of each scene from the movie--and my copy had the most perfect chip in its grooves that as it played the intro to "If I Only Had A Heart," the needle would up, jump, and scoot back to the phrase "Go ahead, bang on it."
Like the Little Engine that Couldn't, my needle would not pass that phrase. To the irritation of my parents, I didn't always help it along its intended path. Not that I could listen for hours, but for a good goddamn minute or two, I could sit, enthralled by the perfection of repetition, "Go ahead, bang on it. Go ahead, bang on it. Go ahead…"
(And I was supposedly in the advanced class, go figure)
Repetition isn't a horrible thing; it is said humans need to hear something 7x to remember the message and I'd agree, but add that sometimes they need a ball peen hammer driving home the point--you can warn someone of an impending storm, but it is on them to seek shelter. Digression aside, I loved records, I loved my little turntable and the cheap speakers that went with it. My bedroom was a home inside my home, where I could escape the world outside and isolate myself with music.
So with $50 in hand, my mother, sister and I went to a record store just across from the Capitol Court Shopping Mall--a place I would soon learn to shoplift erotic books thanks to my friends and mentors James and Loy, and that's not a typo; even then I was a nerd. Sure I could have stolen Hustler and/or Penthouse--the first porn I ever saw was the latter, and it was an awkward introduction indeed as they were having a fetish issue, showcasing pregnant women in ways I didn't really want to see them--but no, I was shoplifting sex books and reading them. Not Danielle Steele, type-erotica, I stole Science Fiction sex books, where the hero was always nailing female extraterrestrials with more boobies than their earthly counterparts. I wish to Christ I could remember the name of the series, but I wouldn’t even know how to google it to attempt to re-discover my youthful overtures to sex--and I purchased my very first record, the aforementioned Double Platinum. Many hours of air-guitar and air-drumming would follow.
After the purchase, my mom decided to treat us to Mc Donald's, the closest location simply a few blocks away fringing the Capitol Court parking lot. Though I cannot recall what day of the week or what time of day we were there, I do know it was busy. Not overly so, but neither was the restaurant empty. Three registers were open, and we waited in our line until our turn to order came when a shouting match erupted next to us. Like the parting of the Red Sea, customers, my mom included, suddenly shunned the ordering counter for the back of the store; an angry man had pulled a switchblade out and was screaming at his clerk. My mother gripped her daughter in fear from her (hopefully) now-safe vantage point, then realized she was only holding one young hand. Looking up, my mom discovered that while everyone with half a brain had rushed away from the angry man with the knife, I was standing right next to him, staring up with what my mom describes as a "Wow… cooooool…" look on my face.
(Again: advanced class, that's me)
The man jumped up onto the counter and thrust the knife towards the clerk; not in a stabbing manner, still just a threatening one, more "LOOK, I'VE GOT A KNIFE," than "I'M GONNA CUT YOU," and that's what makes all the difference. I don't remember exactly what happened, I just remember feeling oddly safe. Like the event was occurring outside of me, and I was simply watching an event that didn't pertain to me. Neither do I remember exactly how it all ended, but I'm pretty sure I didn't get my Mc Donald's that day. No matter, I had always preferred the now-disappeared Burger Chef anyway.
The neighborhood had already been "transitional" when we arrived, which is the politically correct way of saying black people were moving in, and white people were moving away. As crime in the area increased, the shrubbery went away, and we probably left around the same time. Dad had yet another "job opportunity," and after the incident in the hamburger joint mom didn't want to live there anymore, so I readied to leave behind yet another batch of friends I'd managed to make.
Appleton, Wisconsin, home of Houdini, would be my next stopping point in life.
.
The CD revolution occurred in the mid 1980's; in 1985 "Brother In Arms," by the band Dire Straits, was one of the first pushed in a CD heavy format, leaving the cassette and 33-rpm record to waste away with the 8-Trak. Though CD's are easier to care for, lighter and smaller, and though digital recording creates endless sonic opportunities, there is a warmth to the record that has yet to be replicated. For the life of me, I cannot listen to Pink Floyd's The Wall on CD; the hisses and pops that accompany my turntable copy of the song "Mother" add as much to the listening experience as does an understanding of the lyrics and overall theme of the album.
The first record I bought was "Double Platinum," by KISS. I already owned several KISS albums, but Double Platinum was the first one I actually purchased myself.
I lived in Milwaukee, on Sherman Avenue, with my father. I didn't know why then, and the story varies even to this day on how I ended up there without my mother or sister, but it was the two of us and I was an original latchkey kid. Every morning I would wake and eat a little breakfast while watching Fury and The Little Rascals, then hike my mile to school; every evening I would walk home, let myself in and either watch Voltron or other Japanamation--UHF channels 18 and 24 saved my life from boredom back then. Occasionally I would spend time with the family that lived upstairs, the Koneznies (spelled phonetically, because there ain't no way I'm getting that correct from memory).
Dad and I lived across the street from Sherman Park, 3rd house from the corner of Burleigh Avenue, and the park provided a nice path both to and from school; instead of walking past houses to the corner of a block, I shortcutted it across the open space twice daily. Shrubbery surrounded it back then, but it's gone now. Around the time we left Milwaukee a few years later, the rise in crime created the need for a clean line of sight as robbers and rapists and junkies (oh my!) began hanging out in the hidden areas. Those hidden areas, then, were thusly removed.
But, while I lived there, the bushes existed and they were to me a Godsend on several levels. Though my morning walk to school was an easy one, the trip home was trying. At school, one day when I should have been in 3rd grade but instead was attending a progressive 4th/5th grade mix, I went to the bathroom to relieve my bowels.
I'm not sure anyone likes dropping a deuce in a public place, but I had to had to had to go, so I cautiously entered into the stall, lowered my pants and sat down, embarrassed to be doing something so awful in public. While sitting there, I heard the door open and the footsteps of an entering arrival, which then paused. While I'm no Charles Xavier, there are moments when we are all psychic, and I knew that whoever walked in had seen my little legs dangling below the door and frozen in response. I froze, too, tightening my small sphincter in fear. "He knows I'm in here" raced through my mind, and I felt shamed.
The footsteps started sounding again, only this time more slowly; cautiously, if you will. They were now shuffling, and in no way headed over to the urinals. Perhaps he was looking to use a toilet himself? Indeed they did enter into the stall next to me, but I heard no belt buckle unfasten or zipper lower. What I did hear was a scuffling against the stall wall next to me.
A panic infused me, and I fixed a cold, dead stare on the door ahead of me.
There is a feeling one gets when they know they are being observed; a sixth sense of ours that springs into action when needed. Personal reactions differ, whether it be raised gooseflesh of the skin or a tension tightening muscles, but at that moment, I knew someone was staring at me.
Slowly, I raised my eyes and looked directly up.
Leaning over the wall, staring down at me was a little black head shaped oblongly, not unlike a football. A Stewie Griffith head, if you will, only the oddity of the shape was nose to crown, not ear to ear. Though I now know he was just a kid being a kid, playing "So… what's going on in here?" at the time it traumatized the hell out of me.
I became Paul Finch, a boy only able to use the urinal in a men's room, but nothing else save the for the sink. Back then, it created the problem of what to do mid-day when my young little bowels wanted to release the combination of my breakfast and lunch. I could make it most of the afternoon, but every single day, or close to it, I would hold what I could as long as I could, then on my walk home after school, would have to shit. So every single day, or close to it, I would stop in the shrubbery of Sherman Park and relieve myself. I learned to bring napkins with me, that I not walk home squishy.
Of course it was more than odd, a boy who could not crap in public if enclosed by a locked stall able to do so hidden away in bushes in the wide-open air of the city, but nine-year-olds do what feels right to them. (Sometimes we carry this through to adulthood, which has both its advantages and disadvantages--it's all in the difference of maturity: are you childlike, or childish? One is fun, the other petty.) Regardless, one day, tucked away in those very bushes, I saw a little red change purse. The sparkle of a stale sequin is what caught my eye, so I picked it up, looked inside and found a delight: $50.
An honest child, on a weekend visit, I informed my mom of the find and she reported it to the police. Milwaukee's Finest asked us to bring it in, that they may return it to its rightful owner, but my mom was more savvy than to fall for that old ruse; the rightful owner of a small change purse with no identification inside, turned over to the MPD, would most likely become an afternoon treat of beer and pizza. Mom instead gave her phone number, that anyone who might report the item missing be directed our way to claim their two lost twenties and one lost ten.
Time passed, my mom and sister eventually re-joined the family and we all moved into a house on North 41st street where, after several months of waiting, I was told the purse and all it's belongings, were mine.
I knew exactly what I wanted to buy: a record.
I didn't know which one; I already had a fine little collection building. I owned The Star Wars Soundtrack, where both the opening track and "Cantina Band" had been played to death ("Cantina Band" being my subconscious connection to my father and his Big Band Jazz recordings from mid-century--Woody Herman, Glenn Miller, and the like. And oddly enough, those two men now serve as a mini-arc for my own life, as Woody Herman was a Milwaukee native and Glenn Miller a son of Iowa), "Class Clown" by George Carlin, where I dutifully memorized "Seven Words You Can Never Say On Television," that I may impress my classmates, and The Wizard Of Oz Soundtrack, which is fine for a nine-year-old boy, but were I to have it today… *types firm wristedly*
The thing I loved about The Wizard Of Oz Soundtrack was the skip. The album had bits of dialogue before each song--snippets of each scene from the movie--and my copy had the most perfect chip in its grooves that as it played the intro to "If I Only Had A Heart," the needle would up, jump, and scoot back to the phrase "Go ahead, bang on it."
Like the Little Engine that Couldn't, my needle would not pass that phrase. To the irritation of my parents, I didn't always help it along its intended path. Not that I could listen for hours, but for a good goddamn minute or two, I could sit, enthralled by the perfection of repetition, "Go ahead, bang on it. Go ahead, bang on it. Go ahead…"
(And I was supposedly in the advanced class, go figure)
Repetition isn't a horrible thing; it is said humans need to hear something 7x to remember the message and I'd agree, but add that sometimes they need a ball peen hammer driving home the point--you can warn someone of an impending storm, but it is on them to seek shelter. Digression aside, I loved records, I loved my little turntable and the cheap speakers that went with it. My bedroom was a home inside my home, where I could escape the world outside and isolate myself with music.
So with $50 in hand, my mother, sister and I went to a record store just across from the Capitol Court Shopping Mall--a place I would soon learn to shoplift erotic books thanks to my friends and mentors James and Loy, and that's not a typo; even then I was a nerd. Sure I could have stolen Hustler and/or Penthouse--the first porn I ever saw was the latter, and it was an awkward introduction indeed as they were having a fetish issue, showcasing pregnant women in ways I didn't really want to see them--but no, I was shoplifting sex books and reading them. Not Danielle Steele, type-erotica, I stole Science Fiction sex books, where the hero was always nailing female extraterrestrials with more boobies than their earthly counterparts. I wish to Christ I could remember the name of the series, but I wouldn’t even know how to google it to attempt to re-discover my youthful overtures to sex--and I purchased my very first record, the aforementioned Double Platinum. Many hours of air-guitar and air-drumming would follow.
After the purchase, my mom decided to treat us to Mc Donald's, the closest location simply a few blocks away fringing the Capitol Court parking lot. Though I cannot recall what day of the week or what time of day we were there, I do know it was busy. Not overly so, but neither was the restaurant empty. Three registers were open, and we waited in our line until our turn to order came when a shouting match erupted next to us. Like the parting of the Red Sea, customers, my mom included, suddenly shunned the ordering counter for the back of the store; an angry man had pulled a switchblade out and was screaming at his clerk. My mother gripped her daughter in fear from her (hopefully) now-safe vantage point, then realized she was only holding one young hand. Looking up, my mom discovered that while everyone with half a brain had rushed away from the angry man with the knife, I was standing right next to him, staring up with what my mom describes as a "Wow… cooooool…" look on my face.
(Again: advanced class, that's me)
The man jumped up onto the counter and thrust the knife towards the clerk; not in a stabbing manner, still just a threatening one, more "LOOK, I'VE GOT A KNIFE," than "I'M GONNA CUT YOU," and that's what makes all the difference. I don't remember exactly what happened, I just remember feeling oddly safe. Like the event was occurring outside of me, and I was simply watching an event that didn't pertain to me. Neither do I remember exactly how it all ended, but I'm pretty sure I didn't get my Mc Donald's that day. No matter, I had always preferred the now-disappeared Burger Chef anyway.
The neighborhood had already been "transitional" when we arrived, which is the politically correct way of saying black people were moving in, and white people were moving away. As crime in the area increased, the shrubbery went away, and we probably left around the same time. Dad had yet another "job opportunity," and after the incident in the hamburger joint mom didn't want to live there anymore, so I readied to leave behind yet another batch of friends I'd managed to make.
Appleton, Wisconsin, home of Houdini, would be my next stopping point in life.
.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
