helen keller has nothing on me

the only way a "twist ending" works in a movie is if it has an ending you simply should have seen coming, but didn't. it has to make sense, like "the usual suspects," where all along the clues exist, you just weren't watching closely enough.

every so often i look over my life and lemon-face my way through the painful times--moments where i should have listened, seen, or just plain paid attention. many of my ex-girlfriends are perfect examples. after peoria, i spent a year kicking the shit out of myself for hearing her words while ignoring her tone. she was immature, and i use that word for its webster-dictionary effect, not as slight. peoria was twenty when we met, so when she said she knew what she wanted out of life and relationships, i ignored my instinct and invested away blindly. throughout life, you change and grow; you don't want the same things at thirty that you did at twenty, likewise fifteen, or five. having lived this, i should have understood it. sadly, sometimes we believe what we want to believe and not what is. it's not that peoria lied, which is what i screamed after it ended, it's just that no one at twenty knows anything. (hell, no one ever knows anything, but as you get older you finally realize how ignorant you actually are, and become blissfully ok with it) when after a year peoria's ideas on life changed, she moved on as easily as youth has the ability to do while i sat mired in the idea i had just wasted another twelve months of my life; back to back failed relationships can knock anyone into acting like an idiot. that's not an excuse, just a retrospected understanding of personal actions. plus, when any union ends it's much easier to cry "their fault" than to admit you "should've fucking known fucking better."

(like antwan)

failed relationships aren't limited to romance; former friendships need examination, too. someone that repeats wistfully, "i hate people, they're stupid," probably means it. i heard a friend use the phrase often, but rarely listened to the words. my ego got in the way of my ears and i would think, "yeah, but i'm on the inside; my friend likes me." the thing is, someone with a chip on their shoulder probably carries it purposefully. for a couple years i watched my friend treat others as inferior and carry on an affair outside the bonds of marriage. eventually, i finally began to suspect that sooner or later i would be on the list of those not worth this person's time. he would remove friends from his life randomly, whenever one didn't fall into line with his beliefs. when it finally happened to me, i was still slightly surprised. when you make a friend, you only enjoy the fun in discussing the stuff of life with someone new; when that wanes, you carry with you the nostalgia of what was, combined with the longing for what could have been.

oddly enough, the friendship ended after a moment of compassion on my part. though we hadn't been speaking, i found out someone my friend cared for had had a medical emergency, so i reached out in comfort.

i was berated in response; a terse, accusing email the only reply.

what's funny is, at the same time i was being told i was a jerk for offering up my shoulder, my friend was making statements such as "the only thing you can do in life is tell those around you how important they are" in public and to mutual friends.

and that's when my friend tony miller died.

though only 42, stomach cancer claimed him, and i was stunned. i went through all the normal guilt that comes with death--did i talk to him enough; could i have been a better friend--and only after the dust had settled and i had picked myself up and moved on did i realize: my once friend, the one openly talking about public compassion, never reached out to me.

what's funny--in retrospect, because it wasn't at the time--is the whole while i was dealing with death, my friend was out there openly self-congratulating on his being such a wonderful, sensitive person and offering advice to others on how to be a good friend to people.

though it sounds over the top, the final contact i received was an out of the blue, angry justification of his previous irate email, and a further belittling of my offer of shoulder during the time he was down.

i used to beat myself up for my failures, now i put the word in quotes and move forward with another learning experience in my back pocket. we cannot control how other people act, we can only control how we treat other people, followed by how much we live up to who we want to be. it is only through attrition and perseverance, when we finally notice words and see surroundings instead of swallowing suspicions, that we learn to catch on quicker to those that may harm our psyche and soul. when we finally use what we see and hear over what we want to think, we realize there are no victims in life when it comes to relationships, there are only our own actions.

understanding that, you will never be surprised by any ending that comes your way.