that no man may touch my balls again

i just had my octannual physical exam, because as i want to make sure i grow old healthily i make sure to get checked over once every eight years. i'd go more often, but eight years is about the amount of time it takes me to forget why i don't like going to the doctor in the first place: the machine irritates me.

you arrive, you wait.

sure, your appointment was at 8:45am, buy why would they want to see you before 9?

you get taken into an examination room, you wait.

sure, you could have been taken in when the doctor was ready for you, but what fun would that be?

you eventually get looked at by a doctor for 5 minutes, get told what you should already know--"you're fine"--and then support a corrupt system by giving your $30 co-pay to them while your insurance foots the final $117 of the bill.

that's $147 for a 5-minute exam, and that was on the low end of physicals; i contacted one place that had the nerve to say they charged $250. but stick with $147--say the doctor can see 10 patients an hour, performing physicals, that = $1,470. in a standard workday, that's $11,760. keep in mind, this is simply one doctor in the building; there are generally several if not more in any practice performing more expensive procedures than physicals. yes, there is overhead in any business, but the amount is still pretty healthy and i'm guessing quite fucking profitable.

at my last physical, in 2000, the doctor said, "well, that mole looks suspicious. has it been growing?"

"nope," i responded.

"well, i'd like to make sure it's not cancerous."

"ok, i'll confirm it's not cancerous: it's not cancerous. there."

but, my word wasn't enough for him, so i had to see him again to have it removed, then had to visit a specialist to have him tell me, "it wasn't cancerous."

no shit? gee, that's what i said, but it took several visits and several hundred dollars charged to my insurance company at the time to confirm this.

(and during no visit did i see a doctor for more than 3 minutes; for the mole removal he walked in, said hi, gave me a numbing shot and left me there for 20 minutes. came back, sliced it off and said to contact the specialist in a week. $275 charged to insurance for that time well spent, thankyouverymuch)

as no one had looked under my hood in a while, the doc this time around donned a rubber glove and asked to see my boys, something i hadn't had checked since 7th grade. back then i (and all kids) needed clearance to attend physical education class. this, of course, was when physical education actually involved skilled movement by children, with dodgeball, kickball or any other activity now banned thanks to the lawsuits by pussy parents "teaching" you agility and aim.

so, my male eggs were gently rolled, with nary a comment made about their silky-smooth nature; i live in iowa, dammit, and i doubt many manly men here take the time to trim or shave down there. either way, apparently men move past the chances of getting testicular cancer between 35-40, so i won't need the silly-putty-dropped-on-carpet exam again. sadly, the next time a doctor dons a rubber glove for me, he'll only need one finger. apparently cancer is like an oliver stone movie; it moves back, and to the left.

*sigh*

at least my blood pressure was 120/70.


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