the flickering candle of a fragile ego

mob mentality is a curious thing. or, as tommy lee jones said, "a person is smart. people are dumb, panicky, dangerous animals."

a majority of what i do on stage involves crowd control; the audience arrives in a certain mood, relaxed, ready to drink, smile and laugh. i stand on stage and speak absurdities into a microphone offering up the release they came looking for.

if, that is, they did indeed come looking for a purge.

there are certain shows that go wrong from moment one; the host steps on stage, asks the audience how they're doing, and the audience... sits there. ten minutes of jokes go by and nary a response is given. fair enough, sometimes the host isn't that funny, the people are distracted by placing their orders, etc, etc, excuses and so forth.

when the middle goes up--the 30-minute comedian--and the entire audience is still slightly smiling but mostly quiet, it is time to take note of what is being said, what is getting the little giggles and try and shape your energy and set to best capitalize on what path they seem to be interested in, that you may bring them down yours. as a comedian, you have two important jokes in your set: your opener, and your closer. both are designed to get the biggest response possible. you get their attention well, perform the meat of your act, then leave them on a high note.

after you launch your opening volley, and the people sit there after it has worked for you numerous times? if you have just watched the both the host and middle comedian perform to silence, it becomes somewhat safe to attribute failure on the audience. it's a rare thing, and an incredibly strange phenomena; it is as if the entire collective wandered in confusedly, straight from an auto accident. there is no getting their attention--you see them talking to one another and on their cell phones--and you wonder, "who pays $15 a head to go to a comedy club and not enjoy themselves?"

on occasion, one or at most two tables may have accidentally stumbled into a club to not laugh, which is fine. save, of course, for when they bring their personal issues to the public view. case in point: i have a joke about immigration. my segue into it is to ask the audience, "who is being talked about when the media uses the term illegal immigrants?" the answer, of course, is "mexicans." "illegal immigrants" is simply a cute, politically correct--and in its own way racist--way of saying mexicans without having to feel bad about singling out a people out for finger pointing. everyone knows that no one is talking about canadians, germans or the massive influx of australians into the united states.

last night, however, when i asked the question i got an angry table response; "everyone! we many immigrants in america, like chinese." in so far as there are many immigrants in america, i agreed with the table, then tried to reiterate my point that the term "illegal immigrants" is a safe phrase used to single out a single race without doing so blatantly. unfortunately, a mini-argument ensued. instead of listening to the person with the microphone like everyone else, even in disagreement, the table would neither quiet down nor listen to my point, even though i agreed with theirs. it's very irritating, dealing with those who live such simple lives they have to argue a moot point rather than listen to someone else's idea. these people are not only the party-line voters, they are the single item voters, like those who hear the word 'abortion' and immediately become defensive. instead of reacting to a premise, people need to wait to the payoff. it's like being offended by hearing "knock-knock" and not wanting to say "who's there?"

the table eventually walked out, which is frustrating as a performer. they paused in their exodus long enough to complain to the manager, saying they didn't like my stance on immigration. this would be a falsehood, as i saw them leave and they did so before i was even able to get around to presenting a position on the issue. it's also exasperating, because though the host tanked, the middle did not do well and i did only marginally better then the middle, the manager is generally off doing manager things during a show. he is dealing with servers, kitchen issues… doing anything but sitting and watching the performances. so in the grand scheme of things, he doesn't know exactly what happened, he just knows customers left. this becomes a lovely little black-mark next to my name, regardless of whether or not i did anything wrong.

it is near impossible to make any audience 100% happy. you can come damn close, and you can leave everyone satisfied, but it is difficult to make everyone happy. someone will have wanted more dick jokes, someone else less. someone will have wanted more intelligent humor, someone else more wacky/less thoughtful. everyone has their own tastes, and you cannot cater to an entire audience.

in comedy, the best i can do is to be centered and confident in what i do and say on stage. those that are willing to come along for the ride will generally have a good time, as i am absolutely standing on stage trying my best to find the silly in every situation and help people have fun with their evening. what boggles my mind is when someone with push-button issues willingly leaves the house to take their problems out on others in a public forum.

please, if this is you? stay the fuck home, stfu, or take your own ass to an open microphone and work out your own issues in the spotlight.

seriously.

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