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Three...

...years ago today, I created my Myspace account. I had no real idea what Myspace was, I just had friends yammering on into my ear about it--"Meet people! Make new friends!! Network, socialize!!" It sounded interesting enough, and was hopefully a better waste of time for me than that I pissed away playing videogames.

As Myspace was purportedly designed to be somewhere anyone alike could intermingle, the first group I joined was Myspace Democrats. I figured it was one of those spots of socialization where progressively minded individuals would congregate and converse. Slap my forehead and call me silly, I'm not sure what I was thinking. A distinct lack of politics being discussed aside, I found the group to be a genial and fun place. It was there I found my first few on line friends: Brad, Young William and The Gay (Greg). Back then, Myspace was very Spartan; you had 8 top friends, and they were generally the first few people you met on here; no individual control was allowed here yet, the computer chose your top friends for you.

Oh how times change.

Things grow, expand and mutate, and now we have codes and lists and Top Friends galore should we choose. In my years here, I have read a half-dozen blogs proclaiming that this site is like an online version of High School. At times, I'm inclined to agree.

My first experience with such silliness was in the Democrat group itself. For the most part, it was a social gathering with many regular posters. We were all friendly with one another and enjoyed our daily sojourn into cyberspace. The moderator of the group was a fairly hands off fellow, and where this generally worked to our advantage, it became a nuisance when trolls started showing up. If you're not familiar with the term, a troll is someone with too much time and immaturity on their hands who decides to hit an on line group with thread damaging codes, spam nonsense across every discussion, and act as an overall asshole; imagine hyperactive, unruly teens playing paintball in a library.

Eventually enough emailing was done to the mod that he turned his head slightly to the side and noticed what was happening. He did not, however, want to deal with having to do any work deleting posts or cleaning up threads, so he authorized several friends to have moderator powers along with him. Sadly, those people carried with them insecurity and popularity issues, and became mall cops run amok; instead of politely watching for trolls, they went on banning sprees. Anyone they had built up resentment against was expelled for life, and anyone who spoke up in defense of someone who had been banned? Naturally they were in turn banned themselves. Several unlucky souls even had to deal with having entire profiles deleted; a weak ego run amok can cause much havoc if given opportunity.

So, a new group was formed, one designed to be better than that which we lost the privilege of posting in, and for a while it all gelled exceedingly well. The place became an online little Cheers; everyone knew everyone, and it was a pleasant haven where all were welcomed. Naturally, then, the pattern we escaped repeated itself and we became the monster we tried to avoid. A troll arrived, mod powers were dolled out, and a few odd banishments occurred; "He was mean to my girlfriend!" "I didn't like what he said…" Feelings of the few over rode the desires of the whole. Fights broke out, lines were drawn, there was "right" and "wrong" thrown around like cash at a strip club and precious few were willing to hold an interest in the idea of gray areas and emotions being similar on both sides. Some took public stances while emailing private feelings in contradiction; the petty dropped people from their friends lists, and fractious groups--"this one will be better!"--were created once again.

So it goes.

During the years in which these groups flamed in and out of existence, the "Top Friends" application on profiles expanded, and with it self-esteem shrank; pecking order became important. In vain attempt to stay away from squabbles, I held to two rules: never lower anyone on the "Top Friends" first, and never delete a friend. What's funny in the world of fair is, when I see I've been lowered in a top friends list, I look at it as a positive thing. I use it then to elevate someone else, someone who might have me high on his or her list. Yet almost every single time I shuffle my friends, I've gotten an email from the person who lowered or deleted me, asking, "Why did you bump me?" Apparently what was good for the goose was no good for the gander, no matter how clear the equality in action.

I like the axiom "Leave Every Place Better Than You Found It." You don't trash an apartment and expect to get your deposit back; neither do you lash out and attack friends and expect the bond to be stronger than it was before without work. I've discussed the idea with some who disagree, who say the rule doesn't apply to everything and/or everywhere, meaning on line doesn't deserve the respect life does. My response is another thought, "How You Do Anything is How You Do Everything." Diligence becomes a watchword for actions, as you generally do not keep a messy car and a clean home, nor can you treat a waiter like shit and be kind overall. Likewise, how you act on line is a reflection of who you are in life. Chances are, how you post is a decent mirror of who you are as a person. Consistency exists across all borders, whether responsibility for actions is denied or accepted.

The thing is, I argue the exact opposite as I feel about on line actions, which does make me a hypocrite, but hear me out. I believe there are people behind every profile, people with feelings, hopes, dreams and ideas, and that a general civility should be used when posting. I greet all equally, and think everyone deserves the benefit of respect front and center upon meeting. That said, as much as I understand there are people behind every profile, I just can't bring myself to care when someone out there says anything negative about me on the internet. I can't. I remember my first Myspace insult; I wasn't even on line when a text came through around midnight: "Why is (blank) calling you a pussy in MVP?"--MVP was a lengthy thread many regular attendees posted in. I replied, "No idea," and went to check it out. Sure enough, a couple people were having a little back and forth about how they didn't like me, what a jerk I was, and so on and so forth. I entertained writing "Fuck off" right in the middle of it, but literally couldn't. I could not bring myself to care enough to. I didn't want to engage in negativity, or promote the issue in any way shape or form, so I logged off, texted my buddy "Good looking out," and went to bed. Whatever was being said was going to happen whether or not I got involved, so I let it go. I've also been told people have written sideways blogs about me and/or my "behavior." The blogs don't have my name on them, but whispers arise that the mood was directed my way. Generally, when I read them, I only get the sense the person was writing a projection about what they want out of me, something that has nothing to do with who I am.

For the record, while I do believe there are people behind profiles, it does not mean I am so ignorant as to believe everyone is everything they appear to be. I am well aware some people go out of their way to create projected fantasies on line, things they cannot do in real life. The unhappy may create profiles with which to simply attack and stir things up; the unpopular try to Don Juan their way with all the women on line they could never approach in person. Light eventually shines on all, however, no matter how deeply they hide.

I'd absolutely have to state for the record that the positive experiences I've had on line far outweigh the negative. I've met incredible people, laugh often, and created bonds of friendship that will not be easily broken. I'm working on a fairly good record of meeting people in person that I've shared time with cyber-style, and each introduction has generally been exciting and interesting. I use the site to stay in touch with people I bump into on the road, and I've created bonds with those I've never met. So much so to the point I've even worried during their harsh times; watched them ride roughshod over bumps in the road and felt powerless to help aside from offering up the best insight or comfort I had.


In two months...

...Lydia and I will cross the two-year anniversary of our first date.

I could sing praises of the relationship here, but I'm sure it would be so nauseating as to end up on "cute overload." Suffice to say, being with her has done wonders for my life. By centering my personal life, she has allowed my professional to shine. Lyds is simply the tie that binds me to love and good feelings no matter how far from home I wander. Bonded by a gossamer strand of connection, I am never alone in a hotel room, never isolated while racking up thousands of miles on the car--"Though I must go, endure not yet a breach, but an expansion, like gold to airy thinness beat."

Said centering has allowed me to be a better comedian, and explore the darker aspects of life that confuse me. Comedy is about laughter, so when unhappy and exploring darkness on stage, an audience can become restless, shifty. When happy and exploring dark topics, the audience can feel the subtle shift in presentation. There is an enormous difference between "Why is he yelling at us?" and "He sure is passionate," and the line that divides the two is found deep within the performer. Audiences are like animals; they can sense when something is wrong, even if they cannot explain it. With Lyds, I have a foundation from which to build my ideas from; without her, I was simply lashing out in frustration. Love gives you hope, and whether or not hope is misguided on our planet is wide open to debate, but while I have it, I'm milking it for all it's worth.


In one week...

...I will have lived in Iowa for one year. Within the first few days of my arrival, the "Worst Air Quality in America" rankings were released, and the city I had just left, Los Angeles, was sitting atop the list. I walked out on to my new porch, and looked at blue skies that existed all the way to the horizon. No skyscrapers restricted the view, there was just clean, fresh air.

And I thought, "Shoeless Joe was right."

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