a picture is worth a thousand dismissive glances

i don't know when the first time i embarrassed lyds was, i just know what's up in my noggin as the first time i remember being scolded. it was somewhat early in our relationship--only several months in--back when i lived in los angeles and she in iowa. we had the rule that we had to see each other once a month minimum in order to make the relationship work. as luck would have it, she had a work conference in san francisco, and her boss suggested she use the opportunity to have a romantic weekend with me; lyds would conference during the day, and the nights would be ours. lyds gave me her flight schedule, and i arranged to land about thirty minutes before her.

my flight arrived as scheduled and i meandered over to her gate. after a spell, her plane came in, passengers started exiting, and i got excited. how could i not? new love, new girlfriend, limited together time... i was happy, and started bouncing. just a little at first, maybe bopping back and forth from foot to foot, but in the span of a few minutes, as more and more people exited, i became more and more excited. naturally, i was thus more and more bouncy, so much so to the point that when i finally saw lyds, i started to have what steve martin would best describe as "happy body." my arms were no doubt making shaking circles, loosely clenched fists attached at the end of them.

when lyds saw me she was mortified; what were the people around me thinking, looking at this grinning, bouncing idiot? i was scolded, and became slightly upset. the amount of time i put into thinking about what others were thinking of me was absolutely zero. fuck 'em. i was happy to see my girlfriend and couldn't give a fuck less who judged me for inappropriate happiness.

therein lies difference between us: lyds finds it very important to fit in, and/or not draw undue attention to herself. i don't go looking for attention, but neither do i care if it comes my way simply because i am coloring outside the lines of the social norm. the friction it causes in our relationship is minor, but still arises from time to time.

after moving to iowa, one of the first events lyds and i attended was something called "base networking: play with a purpose."* i have no idea what that means, but neither do the organizers. their motto is: "a diverse community of talented people who want to get "it" done - whatever "it" is." translated, that means, "we like to go hang out at the chic bar in town and socialize." sort of a slacker organization for the purpose of... well, everyone is still trying to figure that one out.

lyds, some friends and i went to a meeting and were handed nametags; the posted instructions said: "write what you feel you'd like to write. maybe your name, star sign, or occupation. have fun with it." naturally, this meant every single person there had his or her name written down. when told "hey, be creative," no one was doing so. or could do so.

i don't remember exactly what i inked onto my nametag, but it was probably along the lines of "i love lord xenu; ask me about scientology now!!" or something similar--i do know it took three stickers to complete. creative? no. different? a little, i guess. enough so that when she saw it, lyds was mortified. she was worried people would stare, point fingers and or isolate and ostracize me, and by association, her. she wanted me to change the tag, but i stood my ground,

the thing is, my nametags became a minor giggle among the attendees. as we passed one another, people would look, look away, something in their mind would click and they would look back confusedly, then laugh. i struck up a half-dozen conversations off people acknowledging them, and with acceptance, came lydia's comfort.

so it's come to pass that we are engaged, and from what i've been told, we have to do "traditional" engagement things. one of these must-do's, then, is to get a picture taken.

i hate pictures.

i take that back. i hate the process of taking pictures. i like looking back on a captured moment, but when the camera comes out, i get fidgety. i know that if i try to smile, i'll look like an idiot, so i try to make sure i look like an obvious idiot before the fact.

regardless, lyds wants an engagement photo for those "announcement" pages in the newspaper you breeze past, where everyone looks exactly the same and every couple is entirely forgettable. one of the worst things in life, to me, is banality, the utter lack of originality. outside of family, and that's questionable, too, no one cares when two people marry. so i've no idea what the engagement announcement is for, other than to create a clipping for a scrapbook, and that being the case, we already have our photo by way of candles in heart.

sadly, lyds is standing fast on wanting a "real" picture, and as i'm not fond of taking them, we're at an impasse. my desire is for us to shoot something just a little more interesting than the norm. specifically, i'd like to enact a traditional shotgun wedding. in the photo, lyds and i would be holding hands. on her face, a wide, happy and clueless smile; on mine, discomfort. standing behind us would be her father, placidly cradling his shotgun. below that would be the traditional text extolling happiness; no mention of resistance written within anywhere. it is neither an overly original nor off-putting idea--it's simply a classic joke, one everyone would get. such a picture would also grab the stranger's eye, and stand a foot apart from all other sweatered and smiling couples on the announcement page with us.

while lyds did laugh when i described the idea, she is absolutely resistant against it. her family won't like it, people will think she's pregnant, people will think i don't want to marry her, people will think, people will think, people will think.

i could be wrong, but i think people will laugh. i think people will see something so obviously a joke and not read anything into it. and even if they don't laugh or get the joke? i don't care; you cannot live a life aimed at placating others, for that is the surest way to fail them. as long as you're not trying to harm me, and i'm not trying to harm you, then we are each allowed to be and do whatever we want in life. plus, if the wedding is for us, then who cares what either of our family thinks about how we go about it?

of course, if i say we are all entitled to think what we want, lyds is entitled to her beliefs and feelings. at the end of it all, i will probably do my best to muster up a fake smile, feel the fool, and publish the republican wet dream of an announcement photo. if it makes lyds happy, that's all that matters to me.

but damn, i cannot lie: i fear simplicity kills the soul.

or at least, it does mine.



(as i came to the end of all this, my brain farted up a truth. san francisco was not the first time i remember embarrassing lyds. maybe it was the first time she felt comfortable enough in the relationship to scold me, but it wasn't the first time i embarrassed her. that happened on our first date, when while walking along a riverbank i spotted bunny rabbits frisking in the field...

oh well.

i don't feel like doing a re-write at this time.

here. read for yourself)


(oh, and if you're really curious about "base networking," here. see if it makes sense to you)


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